This week’s writing challenge was to write 150 words on anything; however verbs and adjectives ( and nouns where possible) had to have a gastronomic/food connection.
I found this challenge very tricky. I’m not sure I have adhered strictly to the rules, but here is my food-themed tale of nightclub romance. 120 words, excluding title.
—————————
A Recipe For Love?
Drinking at the bar. Smokey room full of dried old fruits and sloppy seconds. Drum sticks roll, beating out a rhythm on skins pulled tight.
Out of the steam she rises, a slice of perfection. With a stirring in the loins, he whisks across the dance floor, cutting through the leftovers, reducing down the competition, until all that’s left is his sweetie.
She turns and freezes, a buyer at the meat market. He’s really cooking now, inexpertly blending cheesy lines with tender flattery. She lets him stew in his own juices for a while, until his passion comes to the boil.
“So, are you hot for me?!”
“Get stuffed,” she replies, grabbing the nearest beefcake and making for the door.
—————————
I try to post these on a weekly basis and I love to hear your feedback so please comment below, follow the blog or join the conversation on Twitter. Why not try your own food related flash fiction and post your links below?
Haha I love this! Especially the first two lines. Well done for getting all that into 150 words.
Cheers, Catherine – yes, I like the drum stick line too. Considering how much I love good food and bad puns, I found this challenge particularly difficult!
Hilarious! Well done you…are you bringing to the group on Saturday?
Thanks Maria. Yes, bringing to the group as haven’t finished anything else to read. Wish I had been there to hear what others did with it last week.
If you want feedback, the big thing that detracted from the microfiction for me were the cliches. I went through a period like that in my own writing (still worry about lapses), and the challenge you were writing it under probably compelled it. Still, I figure I’ll point it out if only for awareness. A bar being “a smokey room,” there being “sloppy seconds,” “a slice of perfection,” “stirring in the loins,” “He’s really cooking now,” “stew in his own juices” and “his passion comes to boil,” are all not your phrasing. Many of those are food-related cliches, hence the prompt, but they wore on me, particularly because they’re things adopted to describe people so often. If it was a snappier parody of bar life they’d have a different effect. I get that you’re turning it on its head at the end by her walking away from his awful act, but it doesn’t click for me because the language has me detaching much sooner.
To be clear, I like your writing (I keep coming back!), but since you were looking for feedback, this seemed like a good thing to address.
Hey John, thanks for taking the time to read and give your feedback – much appreciated.
Ordinarily i would agree with you and I try to keep hackneyed phrases to a minimum, but to be honest, with this piece, the cliches are kind of the point. The protagonist is a walking cliche, as is the setting and situation – all of which I simply wanted to play for a few cheap laughs.
Sorry that it missed the mark for you this time and I look forward to reading your comments on future pieces.
Very good, very funny. Unlike John above, I liked the deliberate use of cliches – the familiar phrases provided a structure within which you could mess around and subvert the words.
Thanks Ruth, much appreciated.
This one had me laughing (and cringing, which I think was the point!). Loved the ending. I think you did pretty well slipping in all those food metaphors
Thanks Rinelle – yes, made me cringe just to take myself back to my youthful memories of doomed nightclub romances!